He knows me

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holy-cross

He knows me. Intimately.  In the correct sense of the word.

Deeply.

He knows the number of hairs on my head.

He knows the hairs left on my comb.

That’s how closely He watches over me.

He knows my scent. He distinguishes me from the rest.

Oh how He loves me!

He called me. He knew precisely what to dial. I answered Him.

He told me I was royal, He said He chose me, He called me peculiar.

I cried.

For a while now, I’ve been looking for Perfect Love. Only in Him have I found it.

He embodies it. He is it.

I feel so secure and accepted in my strangeness.

His love has casted out all my fears.

He is all that matters.

He knows me because He made me.

Fearfully and wonderfully.

He carefully knitted my DNA helix. He painstakingly arranged my chromosomes.

He used Himself as a prototype.

Then He planted me in my mother’s womb.

I am not alone. He is here with me. He walks with me.

He will never leave me nor forsake me.

He cares deeply for me. He knows everything about me.

That dream, that desire, that feeling, that habit, that secret, that thought, that person, that list and that plan…

He knows.

To the Love of My Life

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Can I just??? Swoon. I have loved Bill Rancic from Apprentice days, before Giuliana. I was jealous and got over them. I watched their shows and series (and the repeats). This letter just melted my heart into lava! This is true love! 

“Dear Giuliana,

You’ve done E! News for 14 years. You’ve won in life. I mean that. You’ve evolved, you’ve matured and you influenced others around you to do the same. You’ve inspired others and it shows. But there’s more adventure to be had. There’s bigger and better things out there. You’ve created your own style, your own luck, your own legacy. You’ve over delivered in so many ways. You’ve over delivered in our marriage, as a mother to Duke and in every adventure we’ve tackled together. That’s beautiful. You are beautiful, inside and out. You are the epitome of true beauty and you’ve done it on your own terms.

The way you are on that red carpet, asking questions that everyone wants to ask. Handling the pressure. People don’t realize how good you are until they watch someone else try and replicate what you’ve done. The talent, the professionalism, and you’re doing it live. I’m biased, but to be honest, there’s nobody better than you.

Even in recent months, through some of the harder times, you showed nothing but grace under pressure. You’ve dealt with worse and you’ve taken the high road, when others wouldn’t have, something you always do. We always say in our family, “The high road gets you to where you want to be.”

It’s something we live by, even though it’s easier to take a short cut, or get in the mud and get gratification by attacking others, you don’t and never will. That’s something that makes me love and respect you even more.

Finally, this isn’t the end, it’s a change and the beginning of something bigger. It’s graduating, something you’ve wanted and planned for in recent years. The truly successful and game-changing people are those who challenge the status quo, even when the status quo is working just fine. You’re ready for more, this is your choice and I’m beaming with pride.

I wouldn’t miss today’s taping for the world. I just hope I don’t embarrass you cause I’m crying tears of joy. As you know, I’m a softy, but you are my Sophia Loren — classy, elegant, strong, living your life the right way. Today is just a celebration, the culmination of so much hard work, and excitement for what’s to come next!

I’ll close by saying my wife is the definition of the American Dream. A dream that’s become even more important in recent years. She came to this country at a young age and could barely speak English. All the kids in her class laughed when she stood up at 8 years old and said she wanted to be an award-winning anchor someday. No one is laughing now.”

Can I have him? Or someone like him?

Sigh.

Explore, Dream, Discover

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“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
― H. Jackson Brown Jr., P.S. I Love You

A prayer to push…

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Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too well pleased with ourselves,

When our dreams have come true

Because we have dreamed too little,

When we arrived safely

Because we sailed too close to the shore.
Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess

We have lost our thirst

For the waters of life;

Having fallen in love with life,

We have ceased to dream of eternity

And in our efforts to build a new earth,

We have allowed our vision

Of the new Heaven to dim.
Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas

Where storms will show your mastery;

Where losing sight of land,

We shall find the stars.
We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;

And to push into the future

In strength, courage, hope, and love.

I am marrying myself!

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There are so many blogs and articles on who you should marry, what you should look for in a guy/girl and basically the order and steps to follow in life with regards to marriage. (Have those 10-step articles ever worked for anybody? Just wondering)

I am at the age where engagements and talks of marriage are on a record high. People feel the need to direct me towards my “perfect fit.” I haven’t been told anything about my eggs yet (thank God) but I feel that kind of talk is steadily on its way.

I don’t feel any pressure though. I find it all ludicrous to think we all will follow the same suit, as if it’s a rite of passage of being a woman.

Anyway, this talk made me feel happy and brought me closer to myself. It put things in perspective and made me value myself even more than I already do. Not in a vain kind of way, but to promise myself certain things and not long for them from someone else.

I will have more honest conversations with myself in order for me not to be misled by wish lists, fantasies, emotions and fleeting feelings.

So just like Tracy McMillan, I am marrying myself. (for now LOL)

At this moment, I am grateful for the internet. Her life lessons have become mine, with much less experience and lesser pain. I don’t have to go through what she has, but I can draw from her life story and become a better person for myself and my person.

I urge you to keep that long list of “wants” in a partner at the back of your mind and write yourself a letter of how kinder you can be to yourself.

As I write my vows, to myself…

Table for one, PLEASE

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“Can I get a table outside, with a view?”
I just want to listen to my thoughts. I want to observe and introspect without looking in a glass mirror. I want to get away from the worldly noise. I want to watch the birds fly over the magnificent, vast ocean and see how simple life and its ecosystems transpire around me. I want to savour the quiet moments where I don’t have to think of the next project, who to connect with, what’s for supper or the next beauty appointment. I just want time alone, with me.
“I’ll have the three course meal and Earl Grey tea.”

table for 1
I wish to spoil myself, I deserve it. There are many things I can pat my back for, so I’m doing it over expensive cuisine. I shouldn’t wait for the next person to tell me to celebrate and live life. People are important but this moment of appreciation is just for me. I feel so calm, complete and happy.
Of course society won’t allow me to eat in peace. Her pathetic eyes are on me like a hawk and her pejorative murmurs louder than a construction site. What they see is someone with no love around or no family; a pretty picture that’s empty.
Ha! If only she knew! If she knew that my phone wouldn’t stop ringing with praise, if she knew how many invites I’ve had to reject, if she knew that I was tired of some fake smiles, if she knew how much chaos was all around, if only she knew. She would understand.
As my luck would have it, here comes a pompous Alpha, with his chest out and cologne clogging up my olfactory canal. In his head, he must be thinking that his presence will enhance my space rather than disrupt it. He tells me of my beauty, he asks if I’m expecting anyone. The shock, horror and sneaky sense of joy he gets when I tell him: “No.”
He invites himself to sit.
Didn’t he also come here alone? Doesn’t he want what I do? Does tranquillity mean anything to him? Does he know how much I have given up for this one moment?
I can’t have it ruined.
In a few hours, life and its constant whirlwind-like tendencies will take over. I have to decline because this beautiful occasion may not come again.
“I’m not lonely; I just want a table for one, please.”
Allow me.

Work, Get, Build

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I read the book Eat, Pray, Love and it changed my life for the best. I completely followed Liz’s advice in principle…. well until a certain point. Weaning off a bond that looked good on paper was one of the toughest things I had to go through.

The courage that it takes to leave the life that you have planned for the life predestined for you is insurmountable.

I don’t know what kind of budget Liz had to travel the world but I’m still trusting God for it. My journey wasn’t as physical as hers, but I certainly went on a hundred in terms of the spiritual plane.

At the time when I read the book, I believed it was God speaking to me. It was the only way that He could because I only picked up the bible on a Sunday.

Fast forward to a wonderful, budding relationship with Him, I realised I needed wise words that came directly from Him, from His heart and mind about being a single woman.

Through meditation, He gave me three steps in Proverbs 24:27

  1. Finish your outdoor work
  2. Get your fields ready
  3. [after that] Build your house

There is a divine order to be followed. Many of us tend to skip the first two steps and rearrange the order. We do this because of our own desires, to fill certain voids or to speed through and get stuff to prove that we are “successful.”

According to the list, the first step that I am meant to do is to help others that are outside of my confines. It’s easy to do favours for people you love, but God has commanded us to feed the poor, spread the gospel and show genuine love to people. This means I have to help out at NGO’s, care for the environment and community at large. This is what God expects from all His children, for us to serve.

Secondly, I need to prepare my fields and make sure that they are ready. See, I am not a farmer so this step must allude to savings plans, investing, starting a business, growing relationships and networks etc. as this is what fields mean metaphorically in the word. I need to start investigating trust funds, comparing insurances, evaluating property markets and essentially create good ground for the next and final stage.

“After that” are words purposefully used to show that a lot of work goes into building a home before being completely financially and emotionally ready.

God wants me to be co-dependant, independent and interdependent. As single (and sometimes desperate) ladies we rush for the husband, children and white picket fence ideal as if we will never get there. We base our whole lives on the third step.

Through this, I have learned that He wants me to have compassion for others first, he wants me to lack nothing so that I can sow back in His kingdom and he wants me to be happy and have the life I deserve. He wants that for all of us.

But first things must come first and I am taking on the challenge with the end goal in mind. Who knows, while I am serving, or doing business and following God’s divine order, I may meet the person who I am to build a home with.

This ticks all the boxes on God’s list and gives me hope that I too get a sweet end to the stick.

Winning!